Controlling Stress
HOUSE BUYING - STRESSFUL OR FUN?
Sue Murrin - Psychologist
The house buying and selling process is seen by many people as very stressful. Few of us would think of it as fun, yet there are people who make the purchase of a house, refurbishment and subsequent sale of the same house, a career in itself and actually do call it fun!!!
For the rest of us mortals, many of us don’t enjoy it and there are four broad reasons for this. In brief these are as follows:
- the lack of control we have over the process;
the expectations we have of everyone and every part of the process involved; - the pressure we are under to get everything in place,
- and the inevitable waiting once the chain is established.
Essentially, there is a difference between a ’source’ of stress and a ’cause’ of stress. It feels like the sources of stress, which are external to us - the people, situation or events we take part in, are numerous in the house buying/ selling process. The most important facet of stress though, is actually the ’cause’, because this is the internal thought process, which goes on inside our heads. In other words, it is our own thoughts about the people, situation or event that makes it so stressful for us, or for some, a positive experience. So, our lack of control over the situation, our expectations of the process, the pressure we think we feel, and the tension of waiting for the chain to exchange, are ALL ’causes’ of stress. It therefore lies within our own capability to try to adjust to these features of the process. We have to tackle our own thoughts as much as taking action on any aspect of the buying/ selling stages.
Firstly, the pressure we are under is partly generated by the speed with which houses are selling around you. This can benefit your own sale (if you have a marketable property), but makes you feel pressured to buy a house quickly because ’if you don’t, other people will!’ It is one of Murphy’s Laws I have found, that as soon as you start the purchasing process, agents send you 10 or more houses that look like an even closer version of your dream house than the one you’ve gone for...
Equally, if a number of people are looking for houses at the same time, then you risk making a decision on something you really wouldn’t live in normally but it feels uncomfortable to wait.
Using this situation to your advantage can help you take control of it. There are many features to taking on an agent for example. The value they quote for your property or their fee are not the only criteria you should consider. When you take on an agent don’t automatically tie yourself in to a lengthy 12 week sale agreement because if you grow to dislike their methods in any way, you are unable to withdraw from the process and therefore unable to control it. There are agents out there who operate a ’gentleman’s agreement’ that if you are unhappy with their methods in any way, you can withdraw from the arrangement. They take a great risk, but then they are confident of their methods!
Equally, be prepared to ask them for a variety of ideas about the possible sale of your property. Many of the larger agents expect a fee up front for support in advertising your property. This is to protect them of course but it has become so much the norm that few people question it. Again, an agent with your best interests in mind will take a risk for you if you stay with them. Do your homework before you take them on and you can settle better to trusting them to do the job.
It might also be worth your while to encourage competition amongst potential buyers, by forcing them in to scheduled viewing of your house. It’s possible that when someone is viewing your house and another buyer is visible, they will feel favourably pressured to purchase quickly. It may be a little uncomfortable but it is ’using the system’ for your own gain.
The house buying/ selling ’game’ is also a ’waiting’ game. Waiting for the searches/surveyor’s report and mortgage valuation to be completed are all stages that carry pressures of their own - "Will the searches find anything of concern?" "Will the Surveyor find something which is problematic enough to result in a withdrawal from the chain? Or "Will the valuation support the purchase price?" - let alone "Will the mortgage company even lend us the money?"
Often the remedy for stress though is to take action! Make yourself ASK questions, get INVOLVED and keep INFORMED. Take part or involve yourself in as many stages of this process as you can. Find a reputable, frank agent who will help you rather than ’feed you lines’ about the sale price of your own property or the progress of things as you move through the stages. Be prepared to talk openly about the type of sale you want, have a hand in the production of the details (particularly a picture of the best view of your property), and find a Solicitor who is approachable -and keep in touch with everyone so that you feel informed.
This brings me to the third area, that of ’expectations’ about the process. We often have high expectations of most things in life, that they will go well and that people will behave in accordance with the rules/courtesies we ourselves observe. The house buying/selling process has become well known for not observing these delicacies. People gazump others or agents still send out details on houses when they are already under offer.
There are many such examples but it is unnecessary to adjust your expectations in to anticipating ’anything that can go wrong, will go wrong’ because this merely feeds negative thinking. Instead, follow the guidelines above for coping with the waiting game by participating in as many stages as possible. However, once you have consulted everyone and chosen the right people to act on your behalf, you have to trust them to do a reasonable job because they know their own system/ language/ culture of their own professions.
It is all too easy to ’feed’ your imagination by tipping the balance of the scales away from ’keeping yourself informed’, and moving to ’interfering’ or adding to the pressure. Enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm in any situation in life. Similarly, tension and anxiety breed tension and anxiety. You will not help yourself if you feed your own fears with anticipated failure throughout the stages. There is just too much of the process that you do not infact control - unless you plan to take on the ultimate challenge, which is conducting your own searches and/ or conveyancing!
This brings me to the final cause of stress in the buying/ selling of houses. The perceived lack of control of the process can be incredibly stressful for many of us. We tend to feel better about this issue though if we take action over things we do have control of. This again involves following the recommended guidelines for adjusting our expectations and coping with the waiting game as outlines above. These actions will put us in a stronger position. Equally though, we have to be realistic I find.
Many of us expect that agents, solicitors, purchasers and those from whom we purchase will operate in our timeframe or order of priority. It can seem to us that they do not have any order or priority to their thoughts though, then we are left frustrated and angry at the apparent lack of action on issues we see as important. This difficulty is very similar to that experienced by many employees in corporations. They feel overwhelmed with work when asked to take something on that is a priority to the person who gives the work but does not take account of the current workload. The Manager giving the work is not made aware of the employee’s situation and the employee remains frustrated and resentful as a result. Managers in many cases are not malicious, anymore than agents or solicitors are malicious. They do not avoid you or deliberately ignore your need for action any more than other people’s needs. However, like the manager, they are not mind readers. It is vital therefore, to discuss your expectations with them. How you want to sell your property, how quickly you wish to move, how quickly you want to sell to a purchaser and how much time you have to find another house.
All these issues involve the timeframes and priorities of other people - discuss your own needs with them but equally be prepared to negotiate. Show willing where you can so that you become realistic about how quickly things can really be done. For example, I’ve heard people who have exchanged and completed on their properties in a 6-week timeframe but I hear of far more whom take 3 months or more!
Adjusting my expectations to anticipate this isn't being negative, it’s being sensible. If I cease to put other people under too much pressure, I cease to be under pressure myself!
